Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Deep Thoughts

This post was going to be about some deep thoughts I've had recently. I'm currently in a writing class this summer and have had a few epiphanies that were described by some as deep and profound. Hmmm... Maybe. It got me to thinking about the segment that ran on Saturday Night Live years ago called "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I remember laughing at these so hard that I went out and bought the books. I went and dug out the books again and find that they are still funny after all these years. You may not be familiar with Jack's work, so I thought I'd list some of my favorites here. If you are familiar with his work, it'll still be funny.
*If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
*Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
*If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and they get right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
*If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
*The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
*If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
*Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
*I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
*Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
*If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
*If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
*If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
*Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
*It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
Now I ask you.....aren't those funny and deep????


Crystal said...

Those are pretty funny. I like the one about stepping on a snail the best :-)

Kathy said...

Hilarious. I loved that segment on SNL, too. Good memories....

Jess said...

oh my gosh, it is so totally ironic that you made a post about that. I had just mentioned that skit to my brother last night. We were talking about how funny it was. Got a total kick out of your faves this morning! Miss you!