So basically, this post is just to update you....I'm dealing a little better with the stress. I'm still feeling it, mind you, I just think that I'm dealing with it better. My presentation for my college class was tonight and I'm glad that's over. I'm not sure how I did, but it's over and that's what's important. I'm just bracing myself for the stress to come....my comps and midterm happen at the same time. Not fun. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
CAUTION: This post may not be cheery. Those of you that love me will read it anyway. For those of you that are cruising the Internet looking for something to put a smile on your face, well, this probably won't. Anyway, read it if you want.....just don't say you weren't warned.
So.....It's been raining EVERY DAY here for like three weeks. On a good day, we'll get a sprinkle but for the most part we've had storms where the bottom falls out and it goes on and on and on. The ground is really saturated right now and all the rain just means that there are standing pools of water everywhere. Extra water means mosquitoes. The other day I was in the barn with David talking and was watching it rain (of course) and as I looked at the overhang of the roof, I literally saw a huge swarm of mosquitoes. They were thick all down the length of the barn. I think I got 3 or 4 bites in the short time I was there. I don't like mosquitoes. I don't mind the rain, as long as I don't lose electricity or phone and cable service. Interestingly, I think the rain makes me want to go out and do something instead of staying home. Now, don't get me wrong, I like to stay home....I don't need a storm to motivate me to do that. I'm good laying on the couch for hours at a time. But after awhile, you just get TIRED of the rain. I'm not really wanting it to return to being sunny, I'm actually ready for some cooler weather. You see, us larger ladies need it cooler so we don't get so hot doing normal stuff like breathing. I know, I sound bitter.
I hate when I get to feeling this way. I don't really want to call anyone and complain about it....no one wants to hear me go on and on when they've got their own stuff to deal with. Mostly, I just want to eat and sit on my couch and watch TV. Not very productive, but it can be very cathartic for the soul. When I get to feeling this way, I tend to spiral downhill quickly. It's very easy to wallow in self-pity instead of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and finding the good in it all. Not that you need any thing to make you feel worse than you do, but here are some of the darker thoughts that keep me up at night lately. Any suggestions or solutions are always appreciated.
1) I'm fat. I am ready for cooler weather but not ready to go to work in my underwear. What that means is that my district has adopted a new dress code and I can only wear jeans on Friday. I have several pairs of Capri pants that have gotten me through the first couple of months of school, but when it cools off some, I won't have any pants that fit. I hate buying clothes for a stupid reason like that. If everything fit and I had nothing I liked to wear, that would be a problem I could feel good about. Basically, I see my weight issue as a mountain that I don't think I can climb. The equation for losing weight is simple.....burn more calories that you ingest. (This isn't original...it's the gospel according to Jillian on The Biggest Loser.) It's sad that I know this and still am fat. You see....I love to eat and hate to exercise. I don't like sweating. I don't like getting hot. And food, all kinds, tastes so good. It's almost like eating has become my therapy and hobby. It's a cycle I need to break and it should have been done long ago.
2) I'm old. I'm thinking that the alternative to getting old would be that I'd already be dead. I AM thankful that hasn't happened yet. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see signs of aging that I didn't notice before. I look around in this town filled with college students and I feel like I should be walking with a cane or something. There's really nothing I can do about this issue, but it dovetails nicely into number three.
3) I don't take care of myself like I should. I don't mean anything really harmful or anything....just the superficial stuff life using lotion daily so my skin won't get all ashy and dry. Plucking my eyebrows more often than once a month....exfoliating my feet so they don't get dry and cracked, have an extensive cleansing and moisturizing routine for my face..... Whiten my teeth...go to sleep at a decent hour....stop drinking coffee and diet sodas....eat healthier.....weigh myself more often....write down what I eat..... I think you get the picture.
4) My job is becoming more and more stressful. For a long time, I thought that basically this was just all in my head. I tend to over think things and take everything way more personally than I should. I tend to feel guilty about everything and blame myself for things that go wrong. You know the drill....it's so much easier to beat yourself up than to beat someone else up. I'm the kind of person that tends to blame myself instead of finding blame in others. It's a very self-destructive way of thinking. But back to the job.....the details aren't really that important, but I now feel that it literally is becoming more and more stressful and demanding even without my already stressful nature. I literally feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't see it getting any better any time soon. Things in education tend to run in cycles and this is one loop that hasn't made it all the way around yet. I just hope and pray that I'll have enough steam to keep going.
5) My daughter is growing up and isn't a baby anymore. I'm sitting here typing and she's sitting on the couch, reading out loud. I think back to the days of when she was a little baby and I just held her in my arms and imagined her future life. Those days are so fleeting....I really enjoy her at this age like I have at all her stages....but lately she seems to have grown more than she should. It feels like she's going to be leaving home for college soon. Luckily, we live in a college town so when this time comes, I'll have her close by. At least that's the plan.
6) There are many bad habits I need to break. I don't clean my house NEARLY as much as I should. I was telling a friend the other day that there are dishes piled in my sink and dryer sheets all over the house. I like neat and organized things. In the summer when I don't have work to go to, I actually enjoy doing the cleaning around here. Right now, just the thought of it makes me tired. And if you've read any of my last 50 status updates on Facebook recently, you know that I'm tired. I don't put things back where they belong and then get frustrated with myself when I can't find something. That makes no sense at all. Why can't I just put things back where I got them from? (This of course is assuming that I had it in the correct place to start with.) There are other habits not worth mentioning but they all pretty much stem from my cluttered way of doing things. I just don't think I have the energy to be uptight about cleaning....I don't have enough energy to spare.
7) Graduate school is slowly killing me. I am currently enrolled in my last course before I graduate in December. In the next week or so, I'll receive my questions to my comprehensive finals.....all the while, preparing for a midterm in a class that has SOMETHING due every single time we meet. The class isn't interesting and the professor doesn't really do a good job. I see October as being the perfect storm. Comps...midterm (all essay questions, no books or notes)...and the daily stresses of my day job are pulling me in more ways than I can express. I feel like that doll, Stretch Armstrong.
As I read back over this, it sounds real depressing. Please know that there are things in my life that I am so grateful for....my God, my husband, my child, my parents, my friends, and the fact that I'm employed and have a roof over my head. I am loved my many. Every once in awhile, you need to see that you're doing a good job...that you're doing everything you can...and that it's going to all be okay....that people appreciate everything you do...that the work you do is important.....
This is where I am....looking for reassurance that I'm loved and that it's all going to be okay. Thanks for taking the time to read this....even though I can't see you....it does mean a lot to me.
So it's been awhile......It seems like this school year has been off to a busy start. I'm hoping that sometime soon I'll be able to come up for air. There seems to be much to do and little time in which to do it. As a result, I stay tired. It's a horrible feeling when you just always want to take a nap. There's just no way I can get all the sleep I need without it cutting into the million or so things that need to be done.
So what's been going on, you may ask. The answer: lots. Nothing Earth shattering, just the ordinary things that fill up my days.
*School: This takes up 90% of my time. The amount of papers I bring home to grade never seems to get any smaller. It's like a continual snowball rolling down the mountain side. Sooner or later, you'll get run over by it if you can't stay ahead of it. I'm just a hair ahead of it and can feel it closing in on me. The other things I have to do at home related to school is to call parents, plan lessons, and do research on the computer for upcoming units. While at school, the amount that I'm being asked to do increases each year. I'm not given any more time or money to do these things.....I'm just supposed to make miracles happen. We currently have 7 computer programs to manage....6 of them are to help the kids and the other is a program I have update frequently that parents can access at home. This program allows parents to see that day's lessons, view daily homework, and see their child's grades. This is in addition to the lesson plans and grades that I have to keep record of on paper. This is double work for me since I already send home students' graded work each week and students graph their results for easy averaging. My newsletter also includes the week's content that we'll be learning. While at school, I'm finding it hard to get all my teaching in. My schedule this year isn't so great. After all the moving around and pull out classes, I have my student for about 3 hours a day. During that time, I'm supposed to teach math for 75 minutes a day, reading for 60 minutes a day, 45 minutes on language and writing, and 45 minutes on science and social studies. In addition to this, I'm supposed to counsel students with problems, help students learn to get along with people they can't stand, nurse their wounds, and teach character education lessons. I'm supposed to challenge students that are bright, remediate for students that have deficiencies, and keep everyone motivated and interested. All. at. the. same. time. Not an easy job. People that tell me what an easy job teaching is, haven't walked in my shoes.
*Graduate School: I'm currently enrolled in my last college course before I get my master's degree. I'd like to say that I've learned something new, but I haven't. My main motivation is to earn more money. I won't start seeing that money until next school year. The class isn't interesting and I don't know anyone in the class. The professor doesn't seem to know what she's doing, but gives off the haughty air that she does. Every single class I have something to turn in....article summaries, a paper, a presentation, or a test. Total bummer. On top of this, the class starts at 3 and I'm not out of school until 3:30. I have to farm out my students to get there on time. There's really no time to clear my head from the stresses of the day before class starts. I just have to stick it out until December.
*Other: that's pretty much everything else that fills up my days. Running errands, washing clothes, cleaning the house, watching TV, spending time with my friends. You know....the little stuff that makes up life. There's lots of that swimming around too. Of course there's always David and Raelynn......and I'm ashamed to say that I don't spend near enough time with them doing anything of consequence. I'm still trying to figure out if that's because of what's going on in my life or if that's just who I am. David is wonderful....a great father, great husband, and all around good guy. He puts up with me, so I can't complain. And Raelynn....well, she doesn't have a choice. Thankfully, she thinks I'm great.
Even though I'm stressed, I'm not unhappy. There are things that I don't like about my job, grad school and the other details of life that bother me, but all in all, I'm pretty blessed. I'm not sure how to get everything in and make everyone happy in the meantime.
Anywho....kind of a dull and depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm hoping that soon I'll get some sleep and I'll be able to return to my usual self. I'm not sure who's currently here, but she yawns a lot and can get kinda cranky.
Sorry it's been awhile since I posted. This is the beginning of school, so there's always a lot of things that need to be done and finding my niche in the schedule. So far, I've been busier than normal and the niche is nowhere in sight.
So, what have I been up to?
1) School work: This includes grading papers, teaching, calling parents, and doing lesson plans. This takes up 80% of my time. I spend another 10% of my time thinking about school and how I should be doing some school work. On some level, I work 365 days a year. I only get paid for 186.
2) Griping about grocery stores: Have you ever been to the store and randomly found an item that you've never tried and you try it...then only find later that you can't find that item anymore? It's like the item you're looking for was in a mirage. Our town has three grocery stores: the evil Wal-Mart, Kroger, and Piggly Wiggly. For some reason, none of the stores carry all the items that I require and those that I do sometimes disappear. Case in point....at Piggly Wiggly I found Wickles (deliciously wicked pickles) and while shopping I found some crispy, pickled green beans. I went through that jar and when I went back to get some more, there were none to be found. Not even a place on the rack for them. I thought maybe I was at the wrong store, so I went to all of the stores and couldn't find it. When at the second store, I looked for jalapeno stuffed olives, but they had disappeared from that store. At this point, I was starting to feel like an idiot. I'm hoping this problem will heal itself, very much like the healings in the Christian Science religion. I've had this problem before with my favorite scent of Febreeze Plug Ins but it "Christian Science" healed itself and I found it again, so I believe it could happen again.
3) Spending time with my friends: Today I went to my first MSU football game. We played Jackson State University and won 45-7. It rained hard and I got very wet, but I had a good time. My friend Kathy had some extra tickets, so Wendy and I went with her. It was fun. Anytime MSU wins a football game is a good day.
4) Being tired: My last 50 Facebook status updates have included the phrase "I'm tired" in some form. I try going to sleep earlier but I never seem to get caught up.
5) Watching The Hannah Montana movie: I went to see this with Wendy, Kathy, and their kids this summer and thought it was fair. I've since bought the movie on DVD (with the pretense of giving it to Raelynn) and have actually come to like it and really enjoy the songs. Strange, I know. Watch it yourself and see if it doesn't grow on you.
6) Thinking of good blog topics: Sorry that I haven't gone through on this one.....my head has been full of thoughts as you can tell from my post. Have a great day, leave a comment, and go Dawgs!