CAUTION: This post may not be cheery. Those of you that love me will read it anyway. For those of you that are cruising the Internet looking for something to put a smile on your face, well, this probably won't. Anyway, read it if you want.....just don't say you weren't warned.
So.....It's been raining EVERY DAY here for like three weeks. On a good day, we'll get a sprinkle but for the most part we've had storms where the bottom falls out and it goes on and on and on. The ground is really saturated right now and all the rain just means that there are standing pools of water everywhere. Extra water means mosquitoes. The other day I was in the barn with David talking and was watching it rain (of course) and as I looked at the overhang of the roof, I literally saw a huge swarm of mosquitoes. They were thick all down the length of the barn. I think I got 3 or 4 bites in the short time I was there. I don't like mosquitoes. I don't mind the rain, as long as I don't lose electricity or phone and cable service. Interestingly, I think the rain makes me want to go out and do something instead of staying home. Now, don't get me wrong, I like to stay home....I don't need a storm to motivate me to do that. I'm good laying on the couch for hours at a time. But after awhile, you just get TIRED of the rain. I'm not really wanting it to return to being sunny, I'm actually ready for some cooler weather. You see, us larger ladies need it cooler so we don't get so hot doing normal stuff like breathing. I know, I sound bitter.
I hate when I get to feeling this way. I don't really want to call anyone and complain about it....no one wants to hear me go on and on when they've got their own stuff to deal with. Mostly, I just want to eat and sit on my couch and watch TV. Not very productive, but it can be very cathartic for the soul. When I get to feeling this way, I tend to spiral downhill quickly. It's very easy to wallow in self-pity instead of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and finding the good in it all. Not that you need any thing to make you feel worse than you do, but here are some of the darker thoughts that keep me up at night lately. Any suggestions or solutions are always appreciated.
1) I'm fat. I am ready for cooler weather but not ready to go to work in my underwear. What that means is that my district has adopted a new dress code and I can only wear jeans on Friday. I have several pairs of Capri pants that have gotten me through the first couple of months of school, but when it cools off some, I won't have any pants that fit. I hate buying clothes for a stupid reason like that. If everything fit and I had nothing I liked to wear, that would be a problem I could feel good about. Basically, I see my weight issue as a mountain that I don't think I can climb. The equation for losing weight is simple.....burn more calories that you ingest. (This isn't original...it's the gospel according to Jillian on The Biggest Loser.) It's sad that I know this and still am fat. You see....I love to eat and hate to exercise. I don't like sweating. I don't like getting hot. And food, all kinds, tastes so good. It's almost like eating has become my therapy and hobby. It's a cycle I need to break and it should have been done long ago.
2) I'm old. I'm thinking that the alternative to getting old would be that I'd already be dead. I AM thankful that hasn't happened yet. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see signs of aging that I didn't notice before. I look around in this town filled with college students and I feel like I should be walking with a cane or something. There's really nothing I can do about this issue, but it dovetails nicely into number three.
3) I don't take care of myself like I should. I don't mean anything really harmful or anything....just the superficial stuff life using lotion daily so my skin won't get all ashy and dry. Plucking my eyebrows more often than once a month....exfoliating my feet so they don't get dry and cracked, have an extensive cleansing and moisturizing routine for my face..... Whiten my teeth...go to sleep at a decent hour....stop drinking coffee and diet sodas....eat healthier.....weigh myself more often....write down what I eat..... I think you get the picture.
4) My job is becoming more and more stressful. For a long time, I thought that basically this was just all in my head. I tend to over think things and take everything way more personally than I should. I tend to feel guilty about everything and blame myself for things that go wrong. You know the drill....it's so much easier to beat yourself up than to beat someone else up. I'm the kind of person that tends to blame myself instead of finding blame in others. It's a very self-destructive way of thinking. But back to the job.....the details aren't really that important, but I now feel that it literally is becoming more and more stressful and demanding even without my already stressful nature. I literally feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't see it getting any better any time soon. Things in education tend to run in cycles and this is one loop that hasn't made it all the way around yet. I just hope and pray that I'll have enough steam to keep going.
5) My daughter is growing up and isn't a baby anymore. I'm sitting here typing and she's sitting on the couch, reading out loud. I think back to the days of when she was a little baby and I just held her in my arms and imagined her future life. Those days are so fleeting....I really enjoy her at this age like I have at all her stages....but lately she seems to have grown more than she should. It feels like she's going to be leaving home for college soon. Luckily, we live in a college town so when this time comes, I'll have her close by. At least that's the plan.
6) There are many bad habits I need to break. I don't clean my house NEARLY as much as I should. I was telling a friend the other day that there are dishes piled in my sink and dryer sheets all over the house. I like neat and organized things. In the summer when I don't have work to go to, I actually enjoy doing the cleaning around here. Right now, just the thought of it makes me tired. And if you've read any of my last 50 status updates on Facebook recently, you know that I'm tired. I don't put things back where they belong and then get frustrated with myself when I can't find something. That makes no sense at all. Why can't I just put things back where I got them from? (This of course is assuming that I had it in the correct place to start with.) There are other habits not worth mentioning but they all pretty much stem from my cluttered way of doing things. I just don't think I have the energy to be uptight about cleaning....I don't have enough energy to spare.
7) Graduate school is slowly killing me. I am currently enrolled in my last course before I graduate in December. In the next week or so, I'll receive my questions to my comprehensive finals.....all the while, preparing for a midterm in a class that has SOMETHING due every single time we meet. The class isn't interesting and the professor doesn't really do a good job. I see October as being the perfect storm. Comps...midterm (all essay questions, no books or notes)...and the daily stresses of my day job are pulling me in more ways than I can express. I feel like that doll, Stretch Armstrong.
As I read back over this, it sounds real depressing. Please know that there are things in my life that I am so grateful for....my God, my husband, my child, my parents, my friends, and the fact that I'm employed and have a roof over my head. I am loved my many. Every once in awhile, you need to see that you're doing a good job...that you're doing everything you can...and that it's going to all be okay....that people appreciate everything you do...that the work you do is important.....
This is where I am....looking for reassurance that I'm loved and that it's all going to be okay. Thanks for taking the time to read this....even though I can't see you....it does mean a lot to me.